UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
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no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I hope google does well on my son’s test