spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
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Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
The symmetry is uncanny.
Goat cheese is for herders.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.