I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
You Might Also Like
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?