“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
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Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.