I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
You Might Also Like
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.