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911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!