[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
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Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
#ProTip
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Message from the dog groomers
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.