Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Bloody internet 😳
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”