[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
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I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”