Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
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It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Guy who likes music
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH