Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
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FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years