*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
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“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.