In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
You Might Also Like
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
is nasa ok