Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
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I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.