An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
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SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
…..pretty much.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”