The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
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I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
best first i’ve ever seen
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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