[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
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Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
So glad we cleared that up
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
#titanic
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?