My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
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i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Tony Hawk, age 6
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
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Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.