who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
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I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene