6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
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People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Made something I’m not proud of
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
The booster protects against what, now?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.