Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
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Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.