Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
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[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him