a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
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me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise