My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
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Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.