i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle