“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
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karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
(Gaming support cat.)
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!