My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
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I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
what’s more important?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
nobody’s gonna understand
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here