Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
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Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Lmfao
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money