Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
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The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!