with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
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In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I feel seen
live long and prosper!
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob