before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
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I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
RT if you could go either way.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.