[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
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Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
BRAKING NEWS!!
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.