I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
husband: aren鈥檛 you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that鈥檚 scarier. What are they planning?
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I am a:
鈿笍 boy
鈿笍 girl
馃敇 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
鈿笍 lover
鈿笍 friend
馃敇 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can鈥檛 we just rent a baby yacht? That鈥檚 all I鈥檓 saying.
Guys I鈥檝e misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Baby formula = dad x mom 馃え
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That鈥檚 pr–*thump*
The game has officially changed 馃槑
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I should鈥檝e known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up