“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
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If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Hey i am sexy to you now
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
What kind of a cult is this?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
im 7 sauces long
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling