[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
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[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
😅😅😅
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I am crying
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.