[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before