An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
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I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon