Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
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My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy