I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
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I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?