wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
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Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup