*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
cats when you pet them too long:
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?