Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
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Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊