me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists