Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
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Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.