We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
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My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.