Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
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When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.