The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
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Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions