Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
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If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting