I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
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One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Y’all ready for this
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”