Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
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Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂